Writing is so much cheaper than therapy, and you can drink while you do it!

Writing is so much cheaper than therapy, and you can drink while you do it!

Monday, March 12, 2012

Warning! This post may garner some hate mail. Snerk. In tiny handwriting.  Threats from the Lollipop Guild.

Alrighty then. It's Monday. Meh.
Daylight savings time is a bitch...that had puppies...and now they are all nipping at my heels.

Cheery, eh?

Things to talk about on a Monday. The Walking Dead of course. Again I must say that the show is seriously messed up! Stress, stress, stress! Oof. Such a good show. I don't want to spoil any of it for you if you missed last night's episode, so I'll go into detail tomorrow. mmm'kay?

In my last post I hinted at a phobia of mine.
Who googled it? Hmmm? Did ya?
It is the fear of little people.
As I said, I'm a bad person. But I can't help it.
I don't know when it started. Well, that's not true... I saw PHANTASM when I was eleven years old.
It was this guy :



Angus Scrimm -- THE TALL MAN -- would take corpses and turn them into these vicious little dwarf zombie monsters.  Bleh! Stubby little fingers...gross chicklet teeth. Carnie hands!

I've had it for so long now and it's gotten worse over the years. Almost like Tourettes syndrome, I blurt out "MIDGET" and can't stop shaking.
I know the correct term is "little person", but I don't care. I feel bad that I'm so evil, so unpolitically correct, but that's me.

My poor husband. He's actually had to physically pick me up and remove me from the area if a "little person" is around. Sigh.
I used to be afraid of spiders. Yup, I had it bad. But last summer I caught a hobo spider in my house. Instead of smashing the thing until it was nothing but a stain on my hardwood floor, I captured it and kept it in a cage for three weeks. I fed it every day and it worked for my phobia. Not afraid anymore. I let the little eight legged fecker go across the street at my psycho neighbor's house. Tee hee.

A friend recently asked if the same sort of thing could help with my achondroplasiaphobia.
I informed them that there was no way in hell I would keep a midget in a cage for three weeks and feed it flies! Probably not what they were suggesting, but my reaction was priceless.

Brrrr. "Little people" are freakishly strong! They can climb your body in a flash and pry you open like a starfish does its prey. No way am I gonna let that happen to me!

The only exception to this horrendous phobia is Peter Dinklage. He rocks. But even he makes my stomach feel funny... Everything was fine with our relationship (he on screen, me watching without screaming) until I saw his naked torso and legs on Game of Thrones. DAMN IT!

So there it is. My sad confession and flaw of character. I'm a bad person, but I'm okay with it. I don't watch any of the little person shows on TLC or Discovery, I lose my sh*T when commercials come on...I run twitching and stuttering from encounters in public.  One of these days you may hear on the news a story of a deranged smoking monkey going absolutely ape shit as a midget climbs her body and tries to pry off her head. That will be me. A flailing, midget-covered baboon. There will be stomping involved. Gah! Worse than zombies. Totally. {{{Shudder}}}

God, ugh...imagine one dressed as a clown!
STOP IT! I MUST STOP IT! My arms are all gooesbumpy and I may horf my precious caramel machiatto.


Back to PHANTASM. What a great, cheesy horror franchise! Brain balls. YEAH! Here's a link to the wiki page : SILVER SPHERES OF DOOM


John Coscarelli not only gave us Phantasm, he is also the brilliant mind behind the screenplay for BUBBA HO TEP. Cheese at its finest. How can you go wrong with Bruce Campbell? Gimee some sugar, baby!

Anyhoo, he has now written the screenplay for one of my favorite cult books :
John Dies At The End

If you haven't read it, get a copy. It pure shlock and fantastico absurdism!

So that's all I've got on this cold, rainy, icky, poopoo Monday.

If you are a midg--little person, I'm sorry that I fear you. I'm sure you are quite nice in your own, small handed, creepy way.  Be glad you aren't a smoking monkey. I constantly set my fur on fire.

Squish squish, darlings...my acolytes of the odd.  Until next time!

Foinah




4 comments:

  1. OMG. lol

    My sister and I watched Phantasm when we were little, creepy damned movie! I had nightmares. The whole finger cutting scene really creeped me out. Who does that? I mean, I have an imagination and all, but it takes a sick mind to generate that type of story.

    The tall dude was spooky as hell. I would stay up late at night when all was quiet, my imagination a reality when I'd hear the lead trodden footsteps coming closer to get me.

    Now I want to buy the DVD! So, thanks! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know! I still get squicked around garbage disposals. And what the hell was that bat thing the fingers turned into?????!!!! BLEH!

      But yes, PHANTASM rocked.
      Cheers!

      Delete
  2. I'm gonna just leave this right here.

    http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dE59j-f5ruE/TgzWmidSITI/AAAAAAAAAjw/8QVwFciwnsA/s1600/midget-clown.jpg

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I will not click the link...I will not click the link.

      I CLICKED THE LINK!
      GAH!
      Damn you, you bastard!!!!!!!!!

      Why, Kevi? Why???
      That's cool. I guess. My bad. I'll just get ya in June. Oh yeah. You won't even see it coming...
      mwahahaha...
      Ugh. Why did I click that link?!

      Delete

Hi. I do not eat compressed meat products in aspic and I do not like wiping the salty pork product from the blog. In other words...ixnay on the amspay.