Writing is so much cheaper than therapy, and you can drink while you do it!

Writing is so much cheaper than therapy, and you can drink while you do it!

Friday, May 11, 2012

I rant and pace and froth and type. Oh my.
I do hope, good readers, that you read that OH MY in a George Takei voice.

That's how I'm feeling right now.
I'm a bit mortified.


Who has ten thumbs and types like a monkey hacking at a lap top?

 This gal. Right here!

My apologies for the plethora of dropped letters, bad spacing, and goofs contained in this entire blog.

I'll strive to correct the boo-boos and m ake no more in the uture.

Writers should hold themselves to a higher standard. Remember...it's a doggie dog world out there!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

There are some amazing new horror writers out there, and I'd like to share their links and goodies with you! Mmmm...like sampling a dessert buffet. A feast for the mind (of the mind and all the gooey bits within -- snerk).

Take a moment and check out the websites, etc., and perhaps buy one of their books or subscribe to their blogs!

DO IT!!!!!!

These folks rock and are very talented as well!

Sara Jayne Townsend
Writing Horror, crime - short stories, novels
Blog: http://sayssara.wordpress.com
Goodreads:  http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/3500282.Sara_Jayne_Townsend

Luke Walker
Writing Horror, Fantasy - short stories, novels
Blog: http://getthegirlkillthebaddies.blogspot.com

Sealey Andrews

Genre: Horror, Spec. Fiction - short stories, novels
Blog: http://thegirlinthesoapdish.wordpress.com

Diane Dooley

Writing: Horror, Science Fiction, Romance - short stories, novellas, novels

My gift to you, my darling Acolytes of the Odd.


Wednesday, May 9, 2012

I looked in the mirror and the monkey was me.

As a writer I tend to look at the world sideways. I consider myself an observer, a cataloguer, a voyeur at times. Things happen and I think to myself, "whoa...what if this happened instead?"

I pay attention.
Okay...I nod off sometimes, but no one is perfect.  When I sleep, I dream. And when I dream I plumb the depths of my subconscious and gill net some odd stuff. My dream scape is rife with fiction fodder.
Sometimes it's scary, sometimes it's beautiful. When I'm lucky it's scary beautiful.
I write from the heart. I also write from a laptop. Cackle™ I've studied and honed my craft, absorbed every bit of writing advice parceled out by the great minds.
I worship at the altar of grammar and sentence structure. I try and paint pictures with words -- show, don't tell.
But in my head it's Yoda's voice : There is no tell...there is only show.

And some Mr. T just because he's filled with Awesome.

 Back to the point.
I read. I devour books like Jaffa cakes.
If you don't know the miracle that is a Jaffa Cake, then I mourn for you! It is heaven in a chocolate-covered sponge cake/biscuit(cookie) filled with jellied orange.

Heaven! Pure, treacle HEAVEN.
But I digress. Again. Sigh.

I read everything.  I celebrate other authors and their success, delight in the printed (or electronic) word.

I submit my own manuscripts for consideration, and learn from the rejection letters.
It's humbling, daunting, but no one said this path would be easy.
Some rejections are actually better than an acceptance. Yes, I just said that.

Some rejections are because the piece isn't right for that particular magazine issue. But it's the acknowledgement that makes it divine.

But I'm suffering today.
Being a writer is difficult. The waiting game takes its toll, its pound of flesh. I have chinks in my armor. I'm not the Death Star with that fatal design flaw, but I do have a weak spot.

It's bad writers who make it. As I said, I'm not perfect.
It's frustrating to read the published work of someone who has no concept of grammar or plot. Before you jump in and remind me of James Joyce, I admit there are exceptions. His grammar was divine inspiration.
I'm talking about BAD WRITERS.  Jayzuss, who drank the kool aid and published that shite? I won't name the authors or their books, that's just bad form, however I can rant about it. 
Everyone's opinion is different, and I'm probably just a bitchy simian today, but it chaps my butt when I read something that is soooo bad and yet has acclaim. Even minor acclaim. But as I said, everyone's opinion is different. Maybe I just think it's bad.  Maybe it's good?
It creates that crisis of confidence. Goes right into that crack in my armor...wiggles it's way in like the bug in Chekov's ear :

Damn! That's nasty.

In the end I should just let their bad writing push me to be better.  Strive for perfection; keep honing my craft.  Dream a little dream (filled with inspiration and oddness).


Monday, May 7, 2012

Shameless self promotion time! WOOT, WOOT, WOOOOOOT!

I've added another whack of stories to Amazon.

DEADLINE: a collection of moments (yes...that is a link)

Here's the promo from Amazon:

We all have moments in our lives that define who we are in an instant. Moments of regret, fear, indecision, hope...
This 21,800 word collection of six short Horror/Science Fiction/Fantasy stories focuses on those moments, those choices, those instances where everything moves so fast it almost seems to happen in slow motion.

Contains some adult language, gore, violence, and general ick.

Deadline - What if you knew the world was going to end? Would you tell? Earl Pickett has seen the signs, but then he receives a cryptic warning in the mail. It's already too late to save anyone at all.

Heavy Clouds, No rain -- A day trip out of the city to escape a heatwave becomes a race for survival for two sisters trapped in gridlock. Their world is changed in an instant when the clouds overhead finally unleash the storm...

The Holiday: A holiday to New York City is the trip from hell for a family from Ireland. It just won't end...

Manaan : Things happen in the magic time, the time of change...but only if you don't fear the moment.

Big Boy: It takes a village to raise a child. But it takes a witch to feed that entire village to Big Boy. A mother's love knows no boundary.

Who'd Mourn for Henry Biddle?: A bitter, abusive old man, recently widowed and alone in his cabin the Maine woods, is trapped with his worst nightmare made real. In the end, who would mourn for mean old Henry Biddle?

This collection of short stories runs the gamut of soft science fiction to horror, with poignant moments in between.

Some of my favorite stories are there.
I'm particularly fond of DEADLINE. Damn if it doesn't make me sniffle every time I read it. Jayzuss I'm a soppy simian sometimes (filled with the alliteration blues).

THE HOLIDAY is my homage to Stephen King. He said a horror writer needs to write at least one ghost story set in a hotel room.  So I did. There it is then. I'm quite fond of it, too.

HEAVY CLOUDS, NO RAIN  was inspired by a horror writing prompt from the good horror hounds over at Absolutewrite.com.

I wrote MANAAN twenty years ago after a strange encounter in Old Town. Yeah...it happened. I took some artistic license, but to this day I still get goosebumps thinking about it.

BIG BOY just makes me grin wickedly.

And finally, WHO'D MOURN FOR HENRY BIDDLE, ah...I adore that story. It came from a dream. And no, the part of Henry Biddle will not be played by Ed Asner in the big screen adaptation.
Abe Vigoda? Maybe.

That's all I've got this time, folks. No clever isms, rants, snarks, or boo-boo lip to share.
Well, except for this gem.

I'm going to kill that god damned woodpecker if it's the last thing I do. BRRRRAAAAAAAPPPPP.
It must be suicidal. It has to be. Call me Doc Kevorkian, Mr. Woodpecker. I'll do it right.
Perhaps I am becoming unhinged.

Artist link for BizarreJuJu at Deviant Art.

Right, so, okay. It's sleepy time for this bad monkey. Check out my new book, maybe buy a copy, or borrow it from the Kindle Library. I'd appreciate it ever so much, my acolytes of the odd. It keeps me in Caramel Machiattos. mmmmmmmm.

Ta, darlings.
Squish squish and all that rot.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

What the hell was I thinking?

Joss Whedon, I love you.
I just do.
You are awesome and funny, and dark, and talented!
I got to see The Cabin in the Woods.

That is now one of my favorite, top five films of all time!!!
You, sir, are a rock star.

It was scary, funny, scary... So good.

Thank you!!!!
I was in my movie happy place all weekend long.
 (was someone just humming I'm sexy and I know it? Oh, that was me. Snerk)

So it truly chaps my rosy, red monkey butt when I come across a real stink fest.

 Uh-oh. What happened, you ask?
Let me share!

Yesterday and today I subjected myself to one of the more crueler punishments possible... I had to break it into two parts simply because it was barely endurable in one sitting.

I watched a film. And by film I mean the slimy stuff left on an old sponge, the muck in the bottom of a septic tank, a layer of mind sludge.
Harsh? Probably.

I have every cable channel available, and decided to go ahead and check out the offerings that my Xfinity altar had to offer.

There it was...THE BLEEDING.

A vampire movie? Starring Armande Assante, Michael Madsen, DMX, and Vinnie Jones? Oh, and kat von d (lower case as suits her status in my mind)? But back to the film.  How did I miss this?

Such promise! Blood, vamps, guns, more guns, VAMPIRES!!!!

What could be wrong with this movie? Oh...so much. So. Very. Much.

Plot : Two brothers in Afghanistan: one, Cain Black (Played by Vinnie Jones), is killed in action and his body disappears. The other brother, Shawn Black (Played by Michale Matthias), arrives home in the States to find his parents murdered. In his quest to find their killer, Shawn learns that he is THE vampire slayer and that his brother (a fallen, noble warrior) has been turned into a vampire and is the new king set to bring destruction upon humanity!!! Dun, dun, dun, dunnnnnn.  Michael Madsen (I just love him, but WTF?) plays the rogue, foul-mouthed and hard drinking priest. Any role to keep the bills paid, I guess.
DMX has a small role that is barely memorable (He screams and writhes in pain at one point), and Armande Assante phones in the role of a homicide detective with no real addition to the plot besides being a big name on the play bill.
kat von d spends her time sucking in her cheeks and pouting besides Vinnie Jones as his bad, evil, vampire lieutenant. Blorf. Her mother, the jackal, must be so proud.
Oops. Did I type that out loud? My bad.

 See what I did here? Catty? Tee hee. 

Back to the rant.

I could actually smell the acting from my living room perch on my comfy couch.  And really? Cain and Shawn are supposed to be brothers? Then why does Cain have such a thick English accent (yo, Vinnie!) and Shawn a mouth-full-of-marbles-Stallone-wannabe accent? Oi. So bad.
I'm sure Mr. Matthias is a sweet guy, but I think the director wanted Vin Diesel and settled for mush mouth. Shawn's lines were so robotic and his acting painful to watch, my brain hurt afterwards. Vinnie Jones was the least scary vampire I have ever seen.

I had to investigate this film further. I just had to.
It cost 7 mil to make. Really?
Seven million must buy hell a lot of black fright wigs, pleather coats, and cheesy explosions. Lets not forget the copious amounts of Karo syrup colored with red dye no. 40.

I felt two hours closer to death after watching this movie. This is MST3K worthy!
At one point Shawn is on top of a moving semi, balanced mightily atop the trailer while shooting two machine guns at the hordes of angry vamps chasing him. TWO MACHINE GUNS!!! But he apparently was able to morph a third and fourth arm for the close up  shots because he was firing a pump action shotgun while simultaneously firing the two machine guns! WOW! HE is the slayer.

There was so much serious unintentional silliness in this film, it should be a drinking game. But you'd be hammered a quarter of the way through...

I pray to all the gods and goddesses of fortune that if EVER one of my books is being shopped for a movie, please, please, please do not let the writer or the director of THE BLEEDING near it.

A made for SyFy movie is worlds above The Bleeding in acting (and that's saying something for Traci Lords), production, and all around "HOORAY! BREAK OUT THE POPCORN" entertainment value for your buck. Who doesn't love JERSEY SHORE SHARK ATTACK, or KILLER STORM 3.0...and so on and so forth and you'll tell two friends and they'll tell two friend, etc.

My god I hated THE BLEEDING. GAH!!!!

My colonoscopy was more fun to watch.

If it seems I'm particularly venty in this blog post, well, I guess I am. I'm pissed. I'm pissed that I sat through 126 minutes of utter bollocks.
Sure...I could have turned it off. I could have walked away. Worked on my own stuff...
But I just couldn't...I got stuck in the event horizon of craptasticness.  Sucked into the black hole of bad movie dialogue (and not the fun, shmaltzy, kitschy kind either), weak writing, and bad acting.

To come full circle, I must thank you again, Joss. If it weren't for your specialness (shiny!) I'd be subjected to utter crap fests like The Bleeding, and it would be baaaaaaad.

THE BLEEDING:  Jayzuss, cover the thing in toilet paper, stuff it in a bag, light it on fire, and do a ding-dong dash at the writer's door.
(and you know I mean that figuratively, right? Don't go set a bunch of poo on fire anywhere.)

On that note, I need a cocktail. Must wash the bad taste of this film out of my mouth.

But damn if I don't feel better after that rant.

To quote Felicia Day in the recent episode of Supernatural, "Peace out, bitchessssss!"


PS- GO SEE CABIN IN THE WOODS!!! You'll thank me.