Writing is so much cheaper than therapy, and you can drink while you do it!

Writing is so much cheaper than therapy, and you can drink while you do it!

Monday, July 16, 2012

Well hellloooooo!
I do hope everyone's summer is progressing nicely. I suppose I should have let you all know that I was on hiatus.
Ummmm...I'm on hiatus. Except for right now. But it could continue any moment...the monitor is crackling and I hear snorts and stirring of the wee.
 You see, when school ended, well, so did my writing time. The eldest just turned seven on Friday. Sniffle. The youngest is beginning her transformation into evil incarnate. Ah the joys of parenting! Endless days of makeovers and art projects.
 My new author bio pic. Lovely, eh?

But I wouldn't trade in my sprogglings for anything.
Wait... That's not true.  But it's my secret for what they would be traded.
(Image borrowed from the weird folks at this link)

I have been taking copious notes during my off-blogging hours about all of the random, funny, bizarre, infuriating things that have caught my eye. Unfortunately my darling 2.5 year old found the notebook and it is now festooned with scribbles, juice, and something sticky.  Something very sticky.
Be afraid...be very afraid.

So all I can really tell you about is my obsession with toilet paper. I'm completely OCD about TP. Seriously. Not in the gross usage kind of way (eeew, really? Come on, folks).

It's a discussion that needs to happen. An argument that needs to be settled. 

I'm an over the roll kinda gal. 


 People who put toilet paper on a roll where you have to reach under to pull scraps, that invariably tear and fragment, make me insane. I get righteously frothy.

NO!!!! NO!!!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

And yes...I will change the roll to the proper pull direction. No. Matter. What.

I was recently in a restaurant and excused myself to the loo. I find it to be a challenge (which I gladly accept) to get the industrial lock open on the dispenser and change the paper direction if I come across an errant roll -- I just need to do it. It keeps the universe spinning. It's my God Particle. 

Is it wrong that I carry a metal pick to open the lock? Probably. Perhaps even a bit crazy. But it's my crazy...so don't judge. 

But back to my story.

So here I am, stall door closed, me jimmying the lock, when the bathroom monitor came in. 
Okay. So she wasn't a "monitor" per se, just the cleaning lady, but she came into the bathroom and heard me futzing with the metal cage of crazy-making in transition.

"Ma'am...can I help you?"

Me: Nope. I'm good.

"Is the roll out? I'm sure it was full an hour ago. I changed it myself."

Me: Ummm. No. Yes. {{{it's free of the oppressive under the roll position!!! Mwahahahaha...}}} I'm fine, thanks. I have a square to spare.

BTW, that Seinfeld episode is pure gold. If you need a refresher: Elaine Benes

But back to the bathroom monitor.
I swear she was trying to peek through the door crack at me.
Then she handed me some paper under the stall door. 

 What's the etiquette there? I mean...do I take it, juggle the now extra roll while I adjust the other rolls to the correct and proper insertion? Do I restate that I'm fine? Oh boy. She can hear me messing with the dispenser...I know she knows that I'm messing with it...is this a test? I took the roll.

"Ma'am, is the dispenser open?"

Me: Um. No.

"If it is then just leave it. I have the key."

Me: Jayzuss, lady! Just go away already!!!!   Okay. Thanks. Buh-bye now.

But she didn't leave. She just retreated to the sinks and waited for me to come out so she could rush in and see what I had done. I tried to wait her out...but damn she was persistent. And my food was getting cold.  Damn it!

I finally came out and she rushed right in. I heard her muttering and then the key being inserted into the dispenser lock. Sure enough...she was switching back the direction of the rolls. I washed my hands and tried to skulk by the stall, but she poked her head out and just frowned at me, the extra roll tucked under her arm.


I know I have a problem. I'm sure there are other under the roll advocates out there trying to undo all of my good work with errant roll direction.  Wouldn't it just be swell if directional advocates (like myself) were treated with the same hospitality and dignity as right vs. left handers? Would it be sooo hard to just mark the stalls for convenience:

We could live peacefully together in this happy world of the right way and the wrong way (and those who want to do things ass backward).

And yes...I even do this at friends' homes. I fix their toilet paper. And now I've just admitted it in public. Heh.

Don't judge me. Embrace the change. Go with the roll. OVER THE ROLL.



  1. LOL!! I'm an over the roll kind of gal too. :D

    Funny post.

    1. Thanks. Over the roll is the way!!!!
      Glad you are my kind of crazy ;-)

  2. Over the roll is the only right way!

    I may not have the same dedication as you do with regard to flipping the "wrong" rolls, but I do worship at the altar of Elaine Benes. One of the greatest female characters ever on television, if you ask me!

  3. She is my hero!
    Keep up the good fight! Over the roll...flip those wrong rolls and keep the universe in balance.

  4. Very Fun Post,Love it.
    So what if the roll sits on the floor? I am a strong supporter of the yoga twist thing and try to put it on top the tank behind me. Hate it on the floor. Shower makes the edges wet. Ick. Makes me spit, swear and say "Nothing dear, how was the sand in your tea?"
    Blond Swamp Thing, Sigh

    1. Siren, my darling, is that you????

      Yoga twist, FTW!!!!

      Blond Swamp Thing, you rock.


Hi. I do not eat compressed meat products in aspic and I do not like wiping the salty pork product from the blog. In other words...ixnay on the amspay.