Writing is so much cheaper than therapy, and you can drink while you do it!

Writing is so much cheaper than therapy, and you can drink while you do it!

Thursday, April 19, 2012

What's the deal with Ed Asner and my subconscious???
Yes, I had another Ed dream.

He was working at my local Starbucks and he had to wear a hair net. A hair net? Really? The man has no hair on his head that would require a net. His back? Oh yeah.
He saw me and yelled, "Hey friend! The usual?"
I gave him the thumbs up and he handed me a tall, triple shot, soy chai latte. I said cheers, high-fived him, and sat down in a comfy chair with a parenting magazine. Ed told me to read the article he wrote about crafting with kids.
Bizarre on so many levels...
wha???? SOY??? Blorf.
That crap is the work of the devil! Chai? ugh. Not so much. And a triple shot? I don't do caffeine ~ shocker, I know, but I haven't for years. I'm just naturally spazzy and charming all on my own!
Now you'd think I'd be all weirded out by Ed, but actually it's the whole drink thing that left me wobbly.
Uh-oh. Maybe I'm starting to channel a hipster soccer mom.
Bwahahaha. I couldn't even type that with a straight face!
But back to the dream : The article on crafting with kids? He was actually using kids. There were pictures of kids covered in brightly painted macaroni, mosaics done with buttons all over their faces. BIZARRE.
Ed, I have no idea what wisdom you were trying to impart with that last dream, but as my unofficial living spirit guide/odd guru I'd appreciate it if you made me a decaf caramel machiatto next time.

Right. So on to the next bit oddness.
Dick Clark died. Is it wrong that I thought he was already dead?  My bad.
You were cool. The eternal teen without all the emo angst.

After hearing te news of his demise, I had to check on old Abe Vigoda. He's surely gone by now.



This site keeps track of him.
Rock on, Abe. You are a weird old dude, but I like ya. Don't start showing up in my dreams, though.


Wednesday, April 11, 2012


What's new in Monkey land? Yet another tooth pull. But no added Hobo this time. Hooray.
It's the last extraction!!! Happy monkey dance.  You'd think it would be all puppies and rainbows and frou-frou sparkles now.
Of course not.
Today I woke up with the mother of all spider bites on my face!

ON MY FACE! eeeew.

How do these things keep happening to me? And of course I've had a number of people tell me that I most likely swallowed the damned thing in my sleep. That's so not okay on so many levels. brrrrr.

So yes, I am a bit cross today. Well actually since yesterday. I just noticed the time...it's 12:50 AM. So meh. whatever. Yesterday I was cross and it's the gift that keeps on giving. Snerk.

For a distraction I toodled around the T-Shirt Hell website. I own a number of their shirts...so do my children. The classic MOMMY DRINKS BECAUSE I CRY was passed on from the first child to the second. Cackle™ Good times...

Things have changed a bit over there. Sure, a lot of the shirts border on the edge of good taste, and it is a no-holds-barred free-for-all in the un PC department. Nothing is sacred. But today I noticed more racist shirts than usual. But, as I said...there was something for (and against) everyone. Not my cup of particular tea (I embrace that whole humans are humans concept -- we're all primates here), but amongst the zombie, poop, stoner, crass little gems I ran across a Hitler shirt.
Yup. Make the demon into a buffoon and he loses his power. But this shirt rubbed me the wrong way.

This site is NSFW! And this particular page has some raunchy stuff. Again...not my cup of tea. I like the funny shirts -- a gangster smurf with a gun  with the caption POP A SMURF.  That's some funny stuff right there.

But this one ( which you can surmise by the link title) was off sides.

Yeah...genocide just isn't funny. So I sent their customer service a note. I dumbed down my language in the 1st email to fit in with the tenor of the site, and started a chain of epic snark.

As I said... I'm a bit cross.

For your reading pleasure, I offer you this lovely exchange. Now remember, I often take it as a challenge to be clever and snarky when someone takes the first swing. I amused myself. And I guess that's all that counts. Snerk. Please forgive my momentary descent into internet troll/flame war/ ass hattery.

On 4/10/12 12:59 PM, contactus@tshirthell.com wrote:
Date: 04/10/2012 3:59 PM

Name:  Foinah

Email: foinah@xxxxxx

I usually laugh my ass off at your shirts 
and have purchased many for both 
myself and my kids. I love un-PC humor -- 
However, I just went through the 
gallery and there's some seriously 
racist, anti-Jew shit for sale. Um, not 
so kosher (yeah, that's sarcasm).
I'm not Jewish, but the Hitler shirt 
about "love him or hate him, 
he killed a lot of jews" 
is a bit off sides.  Some things 
just aren't funny,  Sorry to be such a buzz kill.

Browser: Firefox 
Version: 5
OS: Mac
Resolution: 1280 x 800
I received this response :
T-Shirt Hell Customer Service info@tshirthell.com
5:04 PM (8 hours ago)

to me
Hi Foinh

I guess you haven't noticed we make fun of everyone. We're not anti-anyone. (The site owner is Jewish, btw.)

Customer Servant

Yeah...the tone seemed a bit "piss off" to me. But perhaps I was overreacting. So I sent this little gem :
5:29 PM (7 hours ago)

to T-Shirt
I have noticed and it's always been an even handed, all encompassing swipe at everybody. Raunchy, rude, awesome. But I guess I'm just a tight ass who doesn't think genocide is amusing. Gee, my bad. No Darfur shirts or Rwandan massacre offerings? 9/11 flaming, falling body t-shirts? Too far?
And telling me the owner is Jewish (btw) is kind of lame. I know it's not easy answering these kind of emails, and I'm sure you gave it the old college try; perhaps the sarcasm I picked up in the response really isn't there... Naw. It's there. I'm sure your company isn't anti-anyone, but your response leaves me less than enthused to keep shopping here. Bummer. Yeah, I know...ooh...one customer is not going to shop here anymore...big whoopety-doo.

I would rather have received a response like : Suck it up. We make fun of everyone and it's not personal.


Have you seen the t-shirts we sell? We strive to offend, but with humor.


Wow. On behalf of our company we are sorry that the product offended you. However, humor is subjective and tastes differ.

But a half-assed, smarmy poke just went south.

So, there it is then.

Sincerely (loved that, btw),

Too snarky? I guess so. Here's what I got back :

T-Shirt Hell Customer Service info@tshirthell.com
8:07 PM (5 hours ago)

to me
I have zero patience for anyone complaining about that shirt. You think it has anything to do with genocide?? It doesn't. It's a common type of humor that takes a sensitive subject, and simply states the obvious of what happened. He killed a ton of jews. It can be used for almost any horrible situation/person. We're taking away the emotion and presenting the facts. Watch comedy central or go see some stand up comedians and you'll see this done all the time.

It's comedy. Get over yourself and get a sense of humor, or don't be a customer.

I point out that the owner is Jewish because there are some idiots who think we are actually anti-______. You come across as one of those.

Customer Servant

See...now I had to reply. It's like I was channeling some creepy internet troll...not creepy really, more evilly amused and arrogant. But...I cracked myself up!

9:17 PM (3 hours ago)

to T-Shirt
Hmmm. Apparently this is quite the hot button. Also apparent that perhaps I am not the first to comment on this particular shirt? My first email was as a customer stating that I found that particular shirt off sides. Simple really. I  also pointed out that yes, wonderfully so, your company is an equal opportunity basher. That should have been enough. But your subsequent responses, and stellar customer service interaction have taken this to the realm of the absurd. Obviously I have a sense of humor...I'm replying to your email.  
No. I am not a fundie, nor a sprout-eating, sandal-wearing, trustafarian, or even a crazed NRA-lovin', GOP wannabe, and I do not live in my mother's basement and play WoW all day. I do not march with placards and shout chants...I do not have Asperger's or any form of 1%  disorder.  I'm a writer  who delights in black humor.
I'm a customer who can appreciate the intricate nature of gallows humor with the best of them.
But some things just aren't funny. And it's a fine line between humor and poor taste... or clever and stupid, to quote Nigel.       
So, in essence, this shirt represents the Higgs Boson of humor? You are saying that it is the ambiguity of the statement "He killed a lot of Jews", disassociated with the horror of the holocaust, that makes it funny. Right. Nothing about genocide there. {{{eye roll}}} He killed a lot of Jews (thumbs up? nudge nudge) or He killed a lot of Jews (boo...thumbs down!!!).
You wrote : You think it has anything to do with genocide?? It doesn't. It's a common type of humor that takes a sensitive subject, and simply states the obvious of what happened. He killed a ton of jews. It can be used for almost any horrible situation/person. We're taking away the emotion and presenting the facts. Watch comedy central or go see some stand up comedians and you'll see this done all the time.

Thank you T-Shirt Hell for taking the temperature of society and showing me the error of my humorless ways. Thank you for being the elucidation gurus.
Did you actually read my email? Seriously? I come across as one of those??? Did you read the email? Did ya? Oh, le sigh.
I did love your company. I truly did. And I will wear the shirts I purchased before with a smile on my face. But you, customer servant, in all of your eloquence and froth (and lack of reading comprehension) have done your company proud.
Take some time off, have a latte, chalk this whole exchange up as you waving that scolding finger with pride; without any actual recognition of the initial point beyond the tip of your own finger.

Get over yourself and get a sense of humor, or don't be a customer.
You forgot to add, "Go f**k yourself, San Diego.

This has been an enlightening experience.

Foinah Jameson


Gee. Spider angst channeled and abated. 

Poetry, man. It does a Monkey good.
Some things just ain't funny in my book! Well, a dead clown ~ That's funny!

I won't respond if Customer Servant replies. I've had my say.

Until next time, Stay Classy.


Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Hoo! Hello.
It seems like I've been away forever.
My keyboard on the laptop did the swirly...I was left without the letter "R" and "." until I found an old keyboard and mouse in the cupboard.
I suppose I could have still posted and typed with a lisp...
Twuman Capote style. Snewk.

I'll get the damned laptop fixed soon. And I'll be more careful about spilling things near the computer, or letting it get snowed on, or rained on...
It was actually a combo of snow flakes (we rarely get snow here in P-town so I was over exuberant), and a shot of Jameson that finally sent the keyboard into fits. Sheesh. I don't know how many times it's been covered in coffee, rain, sneezes, etc., but apparently the insult of spilled and unquaffed whiskey was the final straw. Message received.

I was also away on holiday with the fam.  Weeeeeeeeeee. A fairly incident-free five days.
We went to Great Wolf Lodge. Water park crack. I have never seen my kids have so much fun. This place is heaven...if heaven is loud and filled with screaming children, and also is very, very, very expensive. But there was a Starbucks (product placement! Product placement!!!! I'm such a machiatto hoor) in the lobby. IN THE LOBBY!!!! And they stayed open late. Yeehaw.
When the kids got sick of the water, which I never thought would be possible, there was the MagiQuest game.  The first five  floors of the hotel were set up with this interactive computer game where the kids had to quest for special runes. Thus the name MAGIQUEST. You purchase a wand (fitted with an internal interface doohickey thing) with a hefty price tag for your child and can add fancy toppers -- my girl chose a blue winged dragon -- for an additional chunk of change.
I have to admit that I enjoyed this probably more than she did!  The sets were amazing. You checked in at a giant tree for your first quest, and a wizard with a striking resemblance to Dumbledore (shhhh, the lawyers are listening) gave you clues where to go. Maps, trunks, paintings, animals...it was actually tres awesome. Well, awesome if your room wasn't on the first five floors. Ha!
We were lodged up on floor eight. Thank you, awesome phone reservation agent! The kids ran screaming through the hotel until the wee hours of the morning...ding, ding, ding...fairy bells and shouts of glee...It was cute for the first day, but the throngs of feral little Lords of the Flies finally gotr to me towards the end.

The people watching was excellent. I'm sure I stood out like a sore thumb...a smoking monkey in a bathing suit??? Yeah, baby. But the hillbilly quotient was high.  Mullets galore. eek.
I admit I can be a bit snobby. However, OH MY GODDESS!!!! There were short mullets, and long mullets, gray mullets, and balding mullets...and now for the description of the men...DITTO!
One pet peeve was the amount of unsupervised wee tiny kids that were running about. There were lifeguards aplenty, but that shouldn't mean the parents can zone out. I saw two and three and five year olds alone in the wading pool while their parents were more than thirty yards away, backs turned, slugging back bud lights like there was no tomorrow. I guess that's the epitome of Darwinism right there.
The waterpark featured a wave pool with epic crests, a thousand gallon bucket that dumped every 5-8 minutes, a toddler area with warm water and awesome slides, three different pools for bigger kids, four mega slides that looked epic, and a bar for the adults! The place poured Guinness on Nitrogen!!!! Good times!
I even had fun in the pool!

Hmmm.  Now to the aforementioned incidents. Sigh.
I almost got in a fist fight with a mother of six (sportin' a mullet and Sarah Palin glasses and hair clips) over her attempt to cut in line for ice cream. Long and short of it, after a long day my daughter wanted some dipping dots. What a vile concoction, btw. Bleh. But I digress. It was a feeding frenzy at the sweets shop with a mob of people forming a blobby line towards the counter. I stood in this line for 45 minutes while the family was comfortable up in our room. Yes, yes I did. When I was three people away from the counter, the brood mare stepped in front of me. I politely (yes, I was polite) informed her that I was behind the gentleman. She snapped at me, "Well, I guess you are!"
heh. It was her tone, so snide and derisive. Perhaps she was having a bad day. Guess what. I'm not Ghandi. Or mother Theresa... I do have compassion for frazzled mothers; hell, I play one on TV. But I will not tolerate bitches in mullets acting all high fallutin' and nasty. Especially in front of her own children.
I'm sure there was steam rising from the top of my head. She said it again.
To which I replied, "Yes, I guess I am. Considering I've been standing behind him for some time now, in the line. So yes. Yes I am."
She sneered and said, "I am six and you are one, so I guess you can go ahead of me."
"Go ahead of you?" I asked. "Actually, I think I can stay right where I am, with you behind me...where you should be. Not my problem you decided to stand on the other side in limbo instead of here, behind me, in the actual line. So yeah. I'll go ahead and be right behind this guy."
It must have been the look in my eye, perhaps my clenched monkey paw itching to break free and wreak havoc (letting loose the flying monkeys of war...without actually crying havoc), but she lowered her head and stepped back. Grrr. It still makes me mad.

Okay...now for the really icky one.
I was in the kids' area of the water park...the wading pool...when I felt that tingly sensation on the back of my neck like I was being watched. Stalked. Hunted... Ugh. I swung around and saw a -- wait for it --



creeping towards me from the right. I gasped. He froze. I did not scream. Well, out loud. He was a hairy little fecker, too. Gah!

Why? Why does this happen to me?

I grabbed my littlest and ran for it. Straight up to the room. No amount of chlorine can rinse that shite off. ack. Little People scare the absolute BEJAYZUSS outta me. And they know it, too. I must be on some Little person hit list because I was not being paranoid...he was stealthy...creeping up from my blind side.

Yes, I am a bad person.

On the second day someone stole my daughter's wand. Ass hat! But the coolest guy -- AJ -- in the MagiQuest shop replaced her wand in its entirety...gratis.
So if you are reading this, AJ, YOU ROCK!!! Many thanks. I meant what I said about the free booze. It's on me. man.

Right, so holiday review : GREAT WOLF LODGE
Pros :
Awesome water park
cool stuff for kids
STARBUCKS in the lobby!
Super kid friendly

Cons :
Little Person in the pool (shudder)
Super kid friendly -- heh

This place was the best vacation for my kids! And therefore it was the best vacation for me and faboo hubby. Seeing my little monkeys laughing and playing with so much joy, melted me a bit.  Now if only all of those other people weren't there. Snerk.

So it's back to work for me. I've got stories to write, books to format...the good stuff!
I'll be posting a couple of pics from WEEKU, the graphic novel, to let you see how it's coming and whet your appetite for more. FANTASTIC!