Writing is so much cheaper than therapy, and you can drink while you do it!

Writing is so much cheaper than therapy, and you can drink while you do it!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Hoo! Hello.
It seems like I've been away forever.
My keyboard on the laptop did the swirly...I was left without the letter "R" and "." until I found an old keyboard and mouse in the cupboard.
I suppose I could have still posted and typed with a lisp...
Twuman Capote style. Snewk.

I'll get the damned laptop fixed soon. And I'll be more careful about spilling things near the computer, or letting it get snowed on, or rained on...
It was actually a combo of snow flakes (we rarely get snow here in P-town so I was over exuberant), and a shot of Jameson that finally sent the keyboard into fits. Sheesh. I don't know how many times it's been covered in coffee, rain, sneezes, etc., but apparently the insult of spilled and unquaffed whiskey was the final straw. Message received.

I was also away on holiday with the fam.  Weeeeeeeeeee. A fairly incident-free five days.
We went to Great Wolf Lodge. Water park crack. I have never seen my kids have so much fun. This place is heaven...if heaven is loud and filled with screaming children, and also is very, very, very expensive. But there was a Starbucks (product placement! Product placement!!!! I'm such a machiatto hoor) in the lobby. IN THE LOBBY!!!! And they stayed open late. Yeehaw.
When the kids got sick of the water, which I never thought would be possible, there was the MagiQuest game.  The first five  floors of the hotel were set up with this interactive computer game where the kids had to quest for special runes. Thus the name MAGIQUEST. You purchase a wand (fitted with an internal interface doohickey thing) with a hefty price tag for your child and can add fancy toppers -- my girl chose a blue winged dragon -- for an additional chunk of change.
I have to admit that I enjoyed this probably more than she did!  The sets were amazing. You checked in at a giant tree for your first quest, and a wizard with a striking resemblance to Dumbledore (shhhh, the lawyers are listening) gave you clues where to go. Maps, trunks, paintings, animals...it was actually tres awesome. Well, awesome if your room wasn't on the first five floors. Ha!
We were lodged up on floor eight. Thank you, awesome phone reservation agent! The kids ran screaming through the hotel until the wee hours of the morning...ding, ding, ding...fairy bells and shouts of glee...It was cute for the first day, but the throngs of feral little Lords of the Flies finally gotr to me towards the end.

The people watching was excellent. I'm sure I stood out like a sore thumb...a smoking monkey in a bathing suit??? Yeah, baby. But the hillbilly quotient was high.  Mullets galore. eek.
I admit I can be a bit snobby. However, OH MY GODDESS!!!! There were short mullets, and long mullets, gray mullets, and balding mullets...and now for the description of the men...DITTO!
One pet peeve was the amount of unsupervised wee tiny kids that were running about. There were lifeguards aplenty, but that shouldn't mean the parents can zone out. I saw two and three and five year olds alone in the wading pool while their parents were more than thirty yards away, backs turned, slugging back bud lights like there was no tomorrow. I guess that's the epitome of Darwinism right there.
The waterpark featured a wave pool with epic crests, a thousand gallon bucket that dumped every 5-8 minutes, a toddler area with warm water and awesome slides, three different pools for bigger kids, four mega slides that looked epic, and a bar for the adults! The place poured Guinness on Nitrogen!!!! Good times!
I even had fun in the pool!

Hmmm.  Now to the aforementioned incidents. Sigh.
I almost got in a fist fight with a mother of six (sportin' a mullet and Sarah Palin glasses and hair clips) over her attempt to cut in line for ice cream. Long and short of it, after a long day my daughter wanted some dipping dots. What a vile concoction, btw. Bleh. But I digress. It was a feeding frenzy at the sweets shop with a mob of people forming a blobby line towards the counter. I stood in this line for 45 minutes while the family was comfortable up in our room. Yes, yes I did. When I was three people away from the counter, the brood mare stepped in front of me. I politely (yes, I was polite) informed her that I was behind the gentleman. She snapped at me, "Well, I guess you are!"
heh. It was her tone, so snide and derisive. Perhaps she was having a bad day. Guess what. I'm not Ghandi. Or mother Theresa... I do have compassion for frazzled mothers; hell, I play one on TV. But I will not tolerate bitches in mullets acting all high fallutin' and nasty. Especially in front of her own children.
I'm sure there was steam rising from the top of my head. She said it again.
To which I replied, "Yes, I guess I am. Considering I've been standing behind him for some time now, in the line. So yes. Yes I am."
She sneered and said, "I am six and you are one, so I guess you can go ahead of me."
"Go ahead of you?" I asked. "Actually, I think I can stay right where I am, with you behind me...where you should be. Not my problem you decided to stand on the other side in limbo instead of here, behind me, in the actual line. So yeah. I'll go ahead and be right behind this guy."
It must have been the look in my eye, perhaps my clenched monkey paw itching to break free and wreak havoc (letting loose the flying monkeys of war...without actually crying havoc), but she lowered her head and stepped back. Grrr. It still makes me mad.

Okay...now for the really icky one.
I was in the kids' area of the water park...the wading pool...when I felt that tingly sensation on the back of my neck like I was being watched. Stalked. Hunted... Ugh. I swung around and saw a -- wait for it --



creeping towards me from the right. I gasped. He froze. I did not scream. Well, out loud. He was a hairy little fecker, too. Gah!

Why? Why does this happen to me?

I grabbed my littlest and ran for it. Straight up to the room. No amount of chlorine can rinse that shite off. ack. Little People scare the absolute BEJAYZUSS outta me. And they know it, too. I must be on some Little person hit list because I was not being paranoid...he was stealthy...creeping up from my blind side.

Yes, I am a bad person.

On the second day someone stole my daughter's wand. Ass hat! But the coolest guy -- AJ -- in the MagiQuest shop replaced her wand in its entirety...gratis.
So if you are reading this, AJ, YOU ROCK!!! Many thanks. I meant what I said about the free booze. It's on me. man.

Right, so holiday review : GREAT WOLF LODGE
Pros :
Awesome water park
cool stuff for kids
STARBUCKS in the lobby!
Super kid friendly

Cons :
Little Person in the pool (shudder)
Super kid friendly -- heh

This place was the best vacation for my kids! And therefore it was the best vacation for me and faboo hubby. Seeing my little monkeys laughing and playing with so much joy, melted me a bit.  Now if only all of those other people weren't there. Snerk.

So it's back to work for me. I've got stories to write, books to format...the good stuff!
I'll be posting a couple of pics from WEEKU, the graphic novel, to let you see how it's coming and whet your appetite for more. FANTASTIC!


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Hi. I do not eat compressed meat products in aspic and I do not like wiping the salty pork product from the blog. In other words...ixnay on the amspay.