Dear fat white guy in a douli (but you probably call it a
coolie hat) at Reeder Beach with your unleashed pit bull,
I'd like to thank you and your illustrious group of whatever
they were for making one of the last warm, pleasant days of 2012 so memorable.
I know I'll never forget it.
No, no, no…your scraggly goatee/face hair spread and your
hipster rim glasses didn't make you look douchey at all.
And your wife/help mate/breeding partner really made an
impression with those bleached out, lumpy dreads piled on her head – to her
credit her skull actually had more hair then her arm pits! Good for you, honey.
Your friends, outdoor guy and the mother
of his child (?) with the frosted hair and anorexic/post birth body, are
definitely keepers. Oh yeah. You guys all fit together like, hmmm, white sheets
at Klan rallies? Yeah. That's a good descriptor.
But most of all I just LOVED meeting that dog. My heart sends a big "Yo!" shout
out for the free stress test. I'd also like to personally thank you for proving
Kegels work. I didn't pee!
How much fun was it for you to see your "friendly"
pit bull CHARLIE come charging down the beach at full speed and attack me? It
must have been awesome. Yeah…I'll never forget it. Good thing you had him in a
muzzle, the same color as his fur so I couldn't tell he wouldn't actually bite
me, so you could laugh, laugh, laugh as I tried to run uphill, in sand, to get
away. Good one. I really enjoyed being
slammed into at full speed by your "don't worry, he's friendly" dog
that was growling and had his tail between his legs. And then you got the added
bonus of my absolute terror when he bolted for my children. I'm reeeeaaaaallly sorry I tried to kick him.
Yeah. I meant to use that piece of driftwood.
Usually I'm better prepared.
Is that why you finally called him back to your spot in the
sand 150 yards away? And thanks for manifesting that leash out of thin air and
giving me dirty looks because of the stooopid leash laws. Yeah. What's that about? Who wants to keep a
dog reined in in public? Sheesh. Those
meanies who hate pit bulls. Okay…so the ratio is five evil, face-chewing, baby
gnawing PIT BULLS to one happy, friendly, family pet, wouldn't hurt a fly, we
leave him alone with our infant all the time PIT BULL. Those tight asses and
their statistics. I'm sure your free
spirit/ runs way too fast/why is he muzzled? pit bull is super cool around your
own tiny babies.
And thanks for the apology, by the way. What apology? you ask.
Exactly.
I really enjoyed your comments over the next forty-five
minutes as I moved my stuff down the beach and stayed between your dog's line
of attack and my children. But that
wasn't good enough. As you were leaving, that last dig about letting him go on
our side of the beach, just to see what he'd do…that was some funny stuff. I'm
still laughing about you saying I should be running down the beach catching
Frisbees in my mouth… oooh, burn. Were
you implying I'm a dog? I like dogs (just not your dog).
But you like dogs.
So was that a compliment?
You're just too deep for me, man. Whoa.
You're right, of course, I shouldn't have sworn in front of
my children. I shouldn't have called you assholes…I should have called 911.
My bad.
But hey, thanks for a memorable day. Thanks for making my
kids cry. Thanks for coming to the beach today and spreading your brand of
sunshine.
I must repay your for this. No, really. I insist.
How about this?
I'll just keep mentioning you, describing your sultry,
swollen looks, your muddy blonde hair and pale basement/WoW induced complexion,
those bits of sandwhich lingering in your face scrag, your pit bull named
Charlie, your rapier wit, and ask my readers to keep an eye out. We'll play
spot the oh-so-non-douche-douli-wearing-man's-man
so EVERYONE can see how charming and erudite you are. You'll become a star among gas giants. Maybe a
brown dwarf. Your white sheet buddies
will be so impressed.
In fact I'll give you the special honor of appearing in
EVERY ONE OF MY BOOKS from now on. You'll always have a place in my heart and
the stomach of whatever eats you between the pages. My gift to you.
