My letter to an ASS HAT

Dear fat white guy in a douli (but you probably call it a coolie hat) at Reeder Beach with your unleashed pit bull,

I'd like to thank you and your illustrious group of whatever they were for making one of the last warm, pleasant days of 2012 so memorable. I know I'll never forget it.

No, no, no…your scraggly goatee/face hair spread and your hipster rim glasses didn't make you look douchey at all. 

And your wife/help mate/breeding partner really made an impression with those bleached out, lumpy dreads piled on her head – to her credit her skull actually had more hair then her arm pits! Good for you, honey.  Your friends, outdoor guy and the mother of his child (?) with the frosted hair and anorexic/post birth body, are definitely keepers. Oh yeah. You guys all fit together like, hmmm, white sheets at Klan rallies? Yeah. That's a good descriptor. 

But most of all I just LOVED meeting that dog.  My heart sends a big "Yo!" shout out for the free stress test. I'd also like to personally thank you for proving Kegels work. I didn't pee!

How much fun was it for you to see your "friendly" pit bull CHARLIE come charging down the beach at full speed and attack me? It must have been awesome. Yeah…I'll never forget it. Good thing you had him in a muzzle, the same color as his fur so I couldn't tell he wouldn't actually bite me, so you could laugh, laugh, laugh as I tried to run uphill, in sand, to get away.  Good one. I really enjoyed being slammed into at full speed by your "don't worry, he's friendly" dog that was growling and had his tail between his legs. And then you got the added bonus of my absolute terror when he bolted for my children.  I'm reeeeaaaaallly sorry I tried to kick him. Yeah. I meant to use that piece of driftwood. 

Usually I'm better prepared.

 

Is that why you finally called him back to your spot in the sand 150 yards away? And thanks for manifesting that leash out of thin air and giving me dirty looks because of the stooopid leash laws.  Yeah. What's that about? Who wants to keep a dog reined in in public? Sheesh.  Those meanies who hate pit bulls. Okay…so the ratio is five evil, face-chewing, baby gnawing PIT BULLS to one happy, friendly, family pet, wouldn't hurt a fly, we leave him alone with our infant all the time PIT BULL. Those tight asses and their statistics.  I'm sure your free spirit/ runs way too fast/why is he muzzled? pit bull is super cool around your own tiny babies.

And thanks for the apology, by the way. What apology? you ask.

Exactly. 

I really enjoyed your comments over the next forty-five minutes as I moved my stuff down the beach and stayed between your dog's line of attack and my children.  But that wasn't good enough. As you were leaving, that last dig about letting him go on our side of the beach, just to see what he'd do…that was some funny stuff. I'm still laughing about you saying I should be running down the beach catching Frisbees in my mouth… oooh, burn.  Were you implying I'm a dog?  I like dogs (just not your dog). 

But you like dogs.

So was that a compliment?

You're just too deep for me, man. Whoa.

You're right, of course, I shouldn't have sworn in front of my children. I shouldn't have called you assholes…I should have called 911.

My bad.

But hey, thanks for a memorable day. Thanks for making my kids cry. Thanks for coming to the beach today and spreading your brand of sunshine.

I must repay your for this. No, really. I insist.

How about this?

I'll just keep mentioning you, describing your sultry, swollen looks, your muddy blonde hair and pale basement/WoW induced complexion, those bits of sandwhich lingering in your face scrag, your pit bull named Charlie, your rapier wit, and ask my readers to keep an eye out. We'll play spot the oh-so-non-douche-douli-wearing-man's-man so EVERYONE can see how charming and erudite you are.  You'll become a star among gas giants. Maybe a brown dwarf.  Your white sheet buddies will be so impressed.

In fact I'll give you the special honor of appearing in EVERY ONE OF MY BOOKS from now on. You'll always have a place in my heart and the stomach of whatever eats you between the pages. My gift to you.