What the hell was I thinking?

Joss Whedon, I love you.
I just do.
You are awesome and funny, and dark, and talented!
I got to see The Cabin in the Woods.

That is now one of my favorite, top five films of all time!!!
You, sir, are a rock star.

It was scary, funny, scary... So good.

Thank you!!!!
I was in my movie happy place all weekend long.

 (was someone just humming I'm sexy and I know it? Oh, that was me. Snerk)

So it truly chaps my rosy, red monkey butt when I come across a real stink fest.

 Uh-oh. What happened, you ask?
Let me share!

Yesterday and today I subjected myself to one of the more crueler punishments possible... I had to break it into two parts simply because it was barely endurable in one sitting.

I watched a film. And by film I mean the slimy stuff left on an old sponge, the muck in the bottom of a septic tank, a layer of mind sludge.
Harsh? Probably.
Apropos?
DEFINITELY.

I have every cable channel available, and decided to go ahead and check out the offerings that my Xfinity altar had to offer.

There it was...THE BLEEDING.

A vampire movie? Starring Armande Assante, Michael Madsen, DMX, and Vinnie Jones? Oh, and kat von d (lower case as suits her status in my mind)? But back to the film.  How did I miss this?

Such promise! Blood, vamps, guns, more guns, VAMPIRES!!!!

What could be wrong with this movie? Oh...so much. So. Very. Much.

Plot : Two brothers in Afghanistan: one, Cain Black (Played by Vinnie Jones), is killed in action and his body disappears. The other brother, Shawn Black (Played by Michale Matthias), arrives home in the States to find his parents murdered. In his quest to find their killer, Shawn learns that he is THE vampire slayer and that his brother (a fallen, noble warrior) has been turned into a vampire and is the new king set to bring destruction upon humanity!!! Dun, dun, dun, dunnnnnn.  Michael Madsen (I just love him, but WTF?) plays the rogue, foul-mouthed and hard drinking priest. Any role to keep the bills paid, I guess.
DMX has a small role that is barely memorable (He screams and writhes in pain at one point), and Armande Assante phones in the role of a homicide detective with no real addition to the plot besides being a big name on the play bill.
kat von d spends her time sucking in her cheeks and pouting besides Vinnie Jones as his bad, evil, vampire lieutenant. Blorf. Her mother, the jackal, must be so proud.
Oops. Did I type that out loud? My bad.

 See what I did here? Catty? Tee hee. 

Back to the rant.

I could actually smell the acting from my living room perch on my comfy couch.  And really? Cain and Shawn are supposed to be brothers? Then why does Cain have such a thick English accent (yo, Vinnie!) and Shawn a mouth-full-of-marbles-Stallone-wannabe accent? Oi. So bad.
I'm sure Mr. Matthias is a sweet guy, but I think the director wanted Vin Diesel and settled for mush mouth. Shawn's lines were so robotic and his acting painful to watch, my brain hurt afterwards. Vinnie Jones was the least scary vampire I have ever seen.

I had to investigate this film further. I just had to.
It cost 7 mil to make. Really?
Seven million must buy hell a lot of black fright wigs, pleather coats, and cheesy explosions. Lets not forget the copious amounts of Karo syrup colored with red dye no. 40.

I felt two hours closer to death after watching this movie. This is MST3K worthy!
At one point Shawn is on top of a moving semi, balanced mightily atop the trailer while shooting two machine guns at the hordes of angry vamps chasing him. TWO MACHINE GUNS!!! But he apparently was able to morph a third and fourth arm for the close up  shots because he was firing a pump action shotgun while simultaneously firing the two machine guns! WOW! HE is the slayer.

There was so much serious unintentional silliness in this film, it should be a drinking game. But you'd be hammered a quarter of the way through...

I pray to all the gods and goddesses of fortune that if EVER one of my books is being shopped for a movie, please, please, please do not let the writer or the director of THE BLEEDING near it.

A made for SyFy movie is worlds above The Bleeding in acting (and that's saying something for Traci Lords), production, and all around "HOORAY! BREAK OUT THE POPCORN" entertainment value for your buck. Who doesn't love JERSEY SHORE SHARK ATTACK, or KILLER STORM 3.0...and so on and so forth and you'll tell two friends and they'll tell two friend, etc.

My god I hated THE BLEEDING. GAH!!!!

My colonoscopy was more fun to watch.

If it seems I'm particularly venty in this blog post, well, I guess I am. I'm pissed. I'm pissed that I sat through 126 minutes of utter bollocks.
Sure...I could have turned it off. I could have walked away. Worked on my own stuff...
But I just couldn't...I got stuck in the event horizon of craptasticness.  Sucked into the black hole of bad movie dialogue (and not the fun, shmaltzy, kitschy kind either), weak writing, and bad acting.

To come full circle, I must thank you again, Joss. If it weren't for your specialness (shiny!) I'd be subjected to utter crap fests like The Bleeding, and it would be baaaaaaad.


THE CABIN IN THE WOODS : THUMBS UP
THE BLEEDING:  Jayzuss, cover the thing in toilet paper, stuff it in a bag, light it on fire, and do a ding-dong dash at the writer's door.
(and you know I mean that figuratively, right? Don't go set a bunch of poo on fire anywhere.)

On that note, I need a cocktail. Must wash the bad taste of this film out of my mouth.

But damn if I don't feel better after that rant.

To quote Felicia Day in the recent episode of Supernatural, "Peace out, bitchessssss!"

Ta!

PS- GO SEE CABIN IN THE WOODS!!! You'll thank me.