There are some amazing new horror writers out there, and I'd like to share their links and goodies with you! Mmmm...like sampling a dessert buffet. A feast for the mind (of the mind and all the gooey bits within -- snerk).



Take a moment and check out the websites, etc., and perhaps buy one of their books or subscribe to their blogs!

DO IT!!!!!!

These folks rock and are very talented as well!

Sara Jayne Townsend

Writing Horror, crime - short stories, novels
Blog: http://sayssara.wordpress.com
Goodreads:  http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/3500282.Sara_Jayne_Townsend

Luke Walker

Writing Horror, Fantasy - short stories, novels
Blog: http://getthegirlkillthebaddies.blogspot.com

Sealey Andrews

Genre: Horror, Spec. Fiction - short stories, novels
Blog: http://thegirlinthesoapdish.wordpress.com

Diane Dooley

Writing: Horror, Science Fiction, Romance - short stories, novellas, novels
Blog:http://dianedooley.wordpress.com/
Goodreads:http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4737760.Diane_Dooley


My gift to you, my darling Acolytes of the Odd.

 smoochies!
Foinah

I looked in the mirror and the monkey was me.

As a writer I tend to look at the world sideways. I consider myself an observer, a cataloguer, a voyeur at times. Things happen and I think to myself, "whoa...what if this happened instead?"

I pay attention.
Okay...I nod off sometimes, but no one is perfect.  When I sleep, I dream. And when I dream I plumb the depths of my subconscious and gill net some odd stuff. My dream scape is rife with fiction fodder.
Sometimes it's scary, sometimes it's beautiful. When I'm lucky it's scary beautiful.
I write from the heart. I also write from a laptop. Cackle™ I've studied and honed my craft, absorbed every bit of writing advice parceled out by the great minds.
I worship at the altar of grammar and sentence structure. I try and paint pictures with words -- show, don't tell.
But in my head it's Yoda's voice : There is no tell...there is only show.

And some Mr. T just because he's filled with Awesome.

 Back to the point.
I read. I devour books like Jaffa cakes.
If you don't know the miracle that is a Jaffa Cake, then I mourn for you! It is heaven in a chocolate-covered sponge cake/biscuit(cookie) filled with jellied orange.

Heaven! Pure, treacle HEAVEN.

But I digress. Again. Sigh.



I read everything.  I celebrate other authors and their success, delight in the printed (or electronic) word.

I submit my own manuscripts for consideration, and learn from the rejection letters.
It's humbling, daunting, but no one said this path would be easy.
Some rejections are actually better than an acceptance. Yes, I just said that.

Some rejections are because the piece isn't right for that particular magazine issue. But it's the acknowledgement that makes it divine.

But I'm suffering today.
Being a writer is difficult. The waiting game takes its toll, its pound of flesh. I have chinks in my armor. I'm not the Death Star with that fatal design flaw, but I do have a weak spot.

It's bad writers who make it. As I said, I'm not perfect.
It's frustrating to read the published work of someone who has no concept of grammar or plot. Before you jump in and remind me of James Joyce, I admit there are exceptions. His grammar was divine inspiration.
I'm talking about BAD WRITERS.  Jayzuss, who drank the kool aid and published that shite? I won't name the authors or their books, that's just bad form, however I can rant about it. 
Everyone's opinion is different, and I'm probably just a bitchy simian today, but it chaps my butt when I read something that is soooo bad and yet has acclaim. Even minor acclaim. But as I said, everyone's opinion is different. Maybe I just think it's bad.  Maybe it's good?
It creates that crisis of confidence. Goes right into that crack in my armor...wiggles it's way in like the bug in Chekov's ear :

Damn! That's nasty.

In the end I should just let their bad writing push me to be better.  Strive for perfection; keep honing my craft.  Dream a little dream (filled with inspiration and oddness).

Cheers.

Shameless self promotion time! WOOT, WOOT, WOOOOOOT!

I've added another whack of stories to Amazon.

DEADLINE: a collection of moments (yes...that is a link)

Here's the promo from Amazon:

We all have moments in our lives that define who we are in an instant. Moments of regret, fear, indecision, hope...
This 21,800 word collection of six short Horror/Science Fiction/Fantasy stories focuses on those moments, those choices, those instances where everything moves so fast it almost seems to happen in slow motion.

Contains some adult language, gore, violence, and general ick.

Deadline - What if you knew the world was going to end? Would you tell? Earl Pickett has seen the signs, but then he receives a cryptic warning in the mail. It's already too late to save anyone at all.

Heavy Clouds, No rain -- A day trip out of the city to escape a heatwave becomes a race for survival for two sisters trapped in gridlock. Their world is changed in an instant when the clouds overhead finally unleash the storm...

The Holiday: A holiday to New York City is the trip from hell for a family from Ireland. It just won't end...

Manaan : Things happen in the magic time, the time of change...but only if you don't fear the moment.

Big Boy: It takes a village to raise a child. But it takes a witch to feed that entire village to Big Boy. A mother's love knows no boundary.

Who'd Mourn for Henry Biddle?: A bitter, abusive old man, recently widowed and alone in his cabin the Maine woods, is trapped with his worst nightmare made real. In the end, who would mourn for mean old Henry Biddle?

This collection of short stories runs the gamut of soft science fiction to horror, with poignant moments in between.

---

Some of my favorite stories are there.
I'm particularly fond of DEADLINE. Damn if it doesn't make me sniffle every time I read it. Jayzuss I'm a soppy simian sometimes (filled with the alliteration blues).

THE HOLIDAY is my homage to Stephen King. He said a horror writer needs to write at least one ghost story set in a hotel room.  So I did. There it is then. I'm quite fond of it, too.

HEAVY CLOUDS, NO RAIN  was inspired by a horror writing prompt from the good horror hounds over at Absolutewrite.com.

I wrote MANAAN twenty years ago after a strange encounter in Old Town. Yeah...it happened. I took some artistic license, but to this day I still get goosebumps thinking about it.

BIG BOY just makes me grin wickedly.

And finally, WHO'D MOURN FOR HENRY BIDDLE, ah...I adore that story. It came from a dream. And no, the part of Henry Biddle will not be played by Ed Asner in the big screen adaptation.
Abe Vigoda? Maybe.


That's all I've got this time, folks. No clever isms, rants, snarks, or boo-boo lip to share.
Well, except for this gem.

I'm going to kill that god damned woodpecker if it's the last thing I do. BRRRRAAAAAAAPPPPP.
It must be suicidal. It has to be. Call me Doc Kevorkian, Mr. Woodpecker. I'll do it right.
Perhaps I am becoming unhinged.

Artist link for BizarreJuJu at Deviant Art.

Right, so, okay. It's sleepy time for this bad monkey. Check out my new book, maybe buy a copy, or borrow it from the Kindle Library. I'd appreciate it ever so much, my acolytes of the odd. It keeps me in Caramel Machiattos. mmmmmmmm.

Ta, darlings.

Squish squish and all that rot.

What the hell was I thinking?

Joss Whedon, I love you.
I just do.
You are awesome and funny, and dark, and talented!
I got to see The Cabin in the Woods.

That is now one of my favorite, top five films of all time!!!
You, sir, are a rock star.

It was scary, funny, scary... So good.

Thank you!!!!
I was in my movie happy place all weekend long.

 (was someone just humming I'm sexy and I know it? Oh, that was me. Snerk)

So it truly chaps my rosy, red monkey butt when I come across a real stink fest.

 Uh-oh. What happened, you ask?
Let me share!

Yesterday and today I subjected myself to one of the more crueler punishments possible... I had to break it into two parts simply because it was barely endurable in one sitting.

I watched a film. And by film I mean the slimy stuff left on an old sponge, the muck in the bottom of a septic tank, a layer of mind sludge.
Harsh? Probably.
Apropos?
DEFINITELY.

I have every cable channel available, and decided to go ahead and check out the offerings that my Xfinity altar had to offer.

There it was...THE BLEEDING.

A vampire movie? Starring Armande Assante, Michael Madsen, DMX, and Vinnie Jones? Oh, and kat von d (lower case as suits her status in my mind)? But back to the film.  How did I miss this?

Such promise! Blood, vamps, guns, more guns, VAMPIRES!!!!

What could be wrong with this movie? Oh...so much. So. Very. Much.

Plot : Two brothers in Afghanistan: one, Cain Black (Played by Vinnie Jones), is killed in action and his body disappears. The other brother, Shawn Black (Played by Michale Matthias), arrives home in the States to find his parents murdered. In his quest to find their killer, Shawn learns that he is THE vampire slayer and that his brother (a fallen, noble warrior) has been turned into a vampire and is the new king set to bring destruction upon humanity!!! Dun, dun, dun, dunnnnnn.  Michael Madsen (I just love him, but WTF?) plays the rogue, foul-mouthed and hard drinking priest. Any role to keep the bills paid, I guess.
DMX has a small role that is barely memorable (He screams and writhes in pain at one point), and Armande Assante phones in the role of a homicide detective with no real addition to the plot besides being a big name on the play bill.
kat von d spends her time sucking in her cheeks and pouting besides Vinnie Jones as his bad, evil, vampire lieutenant. Blorf. Her mother, the jackal, must be so proud.
Oops. Did I type that out loud? My bad.

 See what I did here? Catty? Tee hee. 

Back to the rant.

I could actually smell the acting from my living room perch on my comfy couch.  And really? Cain and Shawn are supposed to be brothers? Then why does Cain have such a thick English accent (yo, Vinnie!) and Shawn a mouth-full-of-marbles-Stallone-wannabe accent? Oi. So bad.
I'm sure Mr. Matthias is a sweet guy, but I think the director wanted Vin Diesel and settled for mush mouth. Shawn's lines were so robotic and his acting painful to watch, my brain hurt afterwards. Vinnie Jones was the least scary vampire I have ever seen.

I had to investigate this film further. I just had to.
It cost 7 mil to make. Really?
Seven million must buy hell a lot of black fright wigs, pleather coats, and cheesy explosions. Lets not forget the copious amounts of Karo syrup colored with red dye no. 40.

I felt two hours closer to death after watching this movie. This is MST3K worthy!
At one point Shawn is on top of a moving semi, balanced mightily atop the trailer while shooting two machine guns at the hordes of angry vamps chasing him. TWO MACHINE GUNS!!! But he apparently was able to morph a third and fourth arm for the close up  shots because he was firing a pump action shotgun while simultaneously firing the two machine guns! WOW! HE is the slayer.

There was so much serious unintentional silliness in this film, it should be a drinking game. But you'd be hammered a quarter of the way through...

I pray to all the gods and goddesses of fortune that if EVER one of my books is being shopped for a movie, please, please, please do not let the writer or the director of THE BLEEDING near it.

A made for SyFy movie is worlds above The Bleeding in acting (and that's saying something for Traci Lords), production, and all around "HOORAY! BREAK OUT THE POPCORN" entertainment value for your buck. Who doesn't love JERSEY SHORE SHARK ATTACK, or KILLER STORM 3.0...and so on and so forth and you'll tell two friends and they'll tell two friend, etc.

My god I hated THE BLEEDING. GAH!!!!

My colonoscopy was more fun to watch.

If it seems I'm particularly venty in this blog post, well, I guess I am. I'm pissed. I'm pissed that I sat through 126 minutes of utter bollocks.
Sure...I could have turned it off. I could have walked away. Worked on my own stuff...
But I just couldn't...I got stuck in the event horizon of craptasticness.  Sucked into the black hole of bad movie dialogue (and not the fun, shmaltzy, kitschy kind either), weak writing, and bad acting.

To come full circle, I must thank you again, Joss. If it weren't for your specialness (shiny!) I'd be subjected to utter crap fests like The Bleeding, and it would be baaaaaaad.


THE CABIN IN THE WOODS : THUMBS UP
THE BLEEDING:  Jayzuss, cover the thing in toilet paper, stuff it in a bag, light it on fire, and do a ding-dong dash at the writer's door.
(and you know I mean that figuratively, right? Don't go set a bunch of poo on fire anywhere.)

On that note, I need a cocktail. Must wash the bad taste of this film out of my mouth.

But damn if I don't feel better after that rant.

To quote Felicia Day in the recent episode of Supernatural, "Peace out, bitchessssss!"

Ta!

PS- GO SEE CABIN IN THE WOODS!!! You'll thank me.

What's the deal with Ed Asner and my subconscious???
Yes, I had another Ed dream.

He was working at my local Starbucks and he had to wear a hair net. A hair net? Really? The man has no hair on his head that would require a net. His back? Oh yeah.
He saw me and yelled, "Hey friend! The usual?"
I gave him the thumbs up and he handed me a tall, triple shot, soy chai latte. I said cheers, high-fived him, and sat down in a comfy chair with a parenting magazine. Ed told me to read the article he wrote about crafting with kids.
Bizarre on so many levels...
wha???? SOY??? Blorf.
That crap is the work of the devil! Chai? ugh. Not so much. And a triple shot? I don't do caffeine ~ shocker, I know, but I haven't for years. I'm just naturally spazzy and charming all on my own!
Now you'd think I'd be all weirded out by Ed, but actually it's the whole drink thing that left me wobbly.
Uh-oh. Maybe I'm starting to channel a hipster soccer mom.
Bwahahaha. I couldn't even type that with a straight face!
But back to the dream : The article on crafting with kids? He was actually using kids. There were pictures of kids covered in brightly painted macaroni, mosaics done with buttons all over their faces. BIZARRE.
Ed, I have no idea what wisdom you were trying to impart with that last dream, but as my unofficial living spirit guide/odd guru I'd appreciate it if you made me a decaf caramel machiatto next time.

Right. So on to the next bit oddness.
Dick Clark died. Is it wrong that I thought he was already dead?  My bad.
You were cool. The eternal teen without all the emo angst.

After hearing te news of his demise, I had to check on old Abe Vigoda. He's surely gone by now.

Nope.

http://www.abevigoda.com/

This site keeps track of him.
Rock on, Abe. You are a weird old dude, but I like ya. Don't start showing up in my dreams, though.

Ta!

Greetings!

What's new in Monkey land? Yet another tooth pull. But no added Hobo this time. Hooray.
It's the last extraction!!! Happy monkey dance.  You'd think it would be all puppies and rainbows and frou-frou sparkles now.
Of course not.
Today I woke up with the mother of all spider bites on my face!

ON MY FACE! eeeew.

How do these things keep happening to me? And of course I've had a number of people tell me that I most likely swallowed the damned thing in my sleep. That's so not okay on so many levels. brrrrr.

So yes, I am a bit cross today. Well actually since yesterday. I just noticed the time...it's 12:50 AM. So meh. whatever. Yesterday I was cross and it's the gift that keeps on giving. Snerk.

For a distraction I toodled around the T-Shirt Hell website. I own a number of their shirts...so do my children. The classic MOMMY DRINKS BECAUSE I CRY was passed on from the first child to the second. Cackle™ Good times...

Things have changed a bit over there. Sure, a lot of the shirts border on the edge of good taste, and it is a no-holds-barred free-for-all in the un PC department. Nothing is sacred. But today I noticed more racist shirts than usual. But, as I said...there was something for (and against) everyone. Not my cup of particular tea (I embrace that whole humans are humans concept -- we're all primates here), but amongst the zombie, poop, stoner, crass little gems I ran across a Hitler shirt.
Yup. Make the demon into a buffoon and he loses his power. But this shirt rubbed me the wrong way.

This site is NSFW! And this particular page has some raunchy stuff. Again...not my cup of tea. I like the funny shirts -- a gangster smurf with a gun  with the caption POP A SMURF.  That's some funny stuff right there.

But this one ( which you can surmise by the link title) was off sides.
http://www.tshirthell.com/funny-shirts/love-him-or-hate-him-hitler-killed-a-ton-of-jews

Yeah...genocide just isn't funny. So I sent their customer service a note. I dumbed down my language in the 1st email to fit in with the tenor of the site, and started a chain of epic snark.

As I said... I'm a bit cross.

For your reading pleasure, I offer you this lovely exchange. Now remember, I often take it as a challenge to be clever and snarky when someone takes the first swing. I amused myself. And I guess that's all that counts. Snerk. Please forgive my momentary descent into internet troll/flame war/ ass hattery.

On 4/10/12 12:59 PM, contactus@tshirthell.com wrote:

Date: 04/10/2012 3:59 PM

Name:  Foinah

Email: foinah@xxxxxx

Description: 
I usually laugh my ass off at your shirts 

and have purchased many for both 

myself and my kids. I love un-PC humor -- 

However, I just went through the 

gallery and there's some seriously 

racist, anti-Jew shit for sale. Um, not 

so kosher (yeah, that's sarcasm).
I'm not Jewish, but the Hitler shirt 

about "love him or hate him, 

he killed a lot of jews" 

is a bit off sides.  Some things 

just aren't funny,  Sorry to be such a buzz kill.

Browser: Firefox 
Version: 5
OS: Mac
Resolution: 1280 x 800

I received this response :

T-Shirt Hell Customer Service info@tshirthell.com	5:04 PM (8 hours ago)
to me

Hi Foinh

I guess you haven't noticed we make fun of everyone. We're not anti-anyone. (The site owner is Jewish, btw.)

Sincerely,
Customer Servant

Yeah...the tone seemed a bit "piss off" to me. But perhaps I was overreacting. So I sent this little gem :

Foinah	5:29 PM (7 hours ago)
to T-Shirt

Hi,
I have noticed and it's always been an even handed, all encompassing swipe at everybody. Raunchy, rude, awesome. But I guess I'm just a tight ass who doesn't think genocide is amusing. Gee, my bad. No Darfur shirts or Rwandan massacre offerings? 9/11 flaming, falling body t-shirts? Too far?
And telling me the owner is Jewish (btw) is kind of lame. I know it's not easy answering these kind of emails, and I'm sure you gave it the old college try; perhaps the sarcasm I picked up in the response really isn't there... Naw. It's there. I'm sure your company isn't anti-anyone, but your response leaves me less than enthused to keep shopping here. Bummer. Yeah, I know...ooh...one customer is not going to shop here anymore...big whoopety-doo.


I would rather have received a response like : Suck it up. We make fun of everyone and it's not personal.

or

Have you seen the t-shirts we sell? We strive to offend, but with humor.

or

Wow. On behalf of our company we are sorry that the product offended you. However, humor is subjective and tastes differ.

But a half-assed, smarmy poke just went south.

So, there it is then.

Sincerely (loved that, btw),
Foinah

Too snarky? I guess so. Here's what I got back :

T-Shirt Hell Customer Service info@tshirthell.com	8:07 PM (5 hours ago)
to me

I have zero patience for anyone complaining about that shirt. You think it has anything to do with genocide?? It doesn't. It's a common type of humor that takes a sensitive subject, and simply states the obvious of what happened. He killed a ton of jews. It can be used for almost any horrible situation/person. We're taking away the emotion and presenting the facts. Watch comedy central or go see some stand up comedians and you'll see this done all the time.

It's comedy. Get over yourself and get a sense of humor, or don't be a customer.

I point out that the owner is Jewish because there are some idiots who think we are actually anti-______. You come across as one of those.

Sincerely,
Customer Servant

See...now I had to reply. It's like I was channeling some creepy internet troll...not creepy really, more evilly amused and arrogant. But...I cracked myself up!

Foinah 9:17 PM (3 hours ago) to T-Shirt Hmmm. Apparently this is quite the hot button. Also apparent that perhaps I am not the first to comment on this particular shirt? My first email was as a customer stating that I found that particular shirt off sides. Simple really. I  also pointed out that yes, wonderfully so, your company is an equal opportunity basher. That should have been enough. But your subsequent responses, and stellar customer service interaction have taken this to the realm of the absurd. Obviously I have a sense of humor...I'm replying to your email.   No. I am not a fundie, nor a sprout-eating, sandal-wearing, trustafarian, or even a crazed NRA-lovin', GOP wannabe, and I do not live in my mother's basement and play WoW all day. I do not march with placards and shout chants...I do not have Asperger's or any form of 1%  disorder.  I'm a writer  who delights in black humor. I'm a customer who can appreciate the intricate nature of gallows humor with the best of them. But some things just aren't funny. And it's a fine line between humor and poor taste... or clever and stupid, to quote Nigel.        So, in essence, this shirt represents the Higgs Boson of humor? You are saying that it is the ambiguity of the statement "He killed a lot of Jews", disassociated with the horror of the holocaust, that makes it funny. Right. Nothing about genocide there. {{{eye roll}}} He killed a lot of Jews (thumbs up? nudge nudge) or He killed a lot of Jews (boo...thumbs down!!!). You wrote : You think it has anything to do with genocide?? It doesn't. It's a common type of humor that takes a sensitive subject, and simply states the obvious of what happened. He killed a ton of jews. It can be used for almost any horrible situation/person. We're taking away the emotion and presenting the facts. Watch comedy central or go see some stand up comedians and you'll see this done all the time. Thank you T-Shirt Hell for taking the temperature of society and showing me the error of my humorless ways. Thank you for being the elucidation gurus. Did you actually read my email? Seriously? I come across as one of those??? Did you read the email? Did ya? Oh, le sigh. I did love your company. I truly did. And I will wear the shirts I purchased before with a smile on my face. But you, customer servant, in all of your eloquence and froth (and lack of reading comprehension) have done your company proud. Take some time off, have a latte, chalk this whole exchange up as you waving that scolding finger with pride; without any actual recognition of the initial point beyond the tip of your own finger. Get over yourself and get a sense of humor, or don't be a customer. You forgot to add, "Go f**k yourself, San Diego. This has been an enlightening experience. Regards, Foinah Jameson TAH DAH! Gee. Spider angst channeled and abated.

Poetry, man. It does a Monkey good.
Some things just ain't funny in my book! Well, a dead clown ~ That's funny!

I won't respond if Customer Servant replies. I've had my say.

Until next time, Stay Classy.
Ta,
Foinah

Hoo! Hello.
It seems like I've been away forever.
My keyboard on the laptop did the swirly...I was left without the letter "R" and "." until I found an old keyboard and mouse in the cupboard.
I suppose I could have still posted and typed with a lisp...
Twuman Capote style. Snewk.

I'll get the damned laptop fixed soon. And I'll be more careful about spilling things near the computer, or letting it get snowed on, or rained on...
It was actually a combo of snow flakes (we rarely get snow here in P-town so I was over exuberant), and a shot of Jameson that finally sent the keyboard into fits. Sheesh. I don't know how many times it's been covered in coffee, rain, sneezes, etc., but apparently the insult of spilled and unquaffed whiskey was the final straw. Message received.

I was also away on holiday with the fam.  Weeeeeeeeeee. A fairly incident-free five days.
We went to Great Wolf Lodge. Water park crack. I have never seen my kids have so much fun. This place is heaven...if heaven is loud and filled with screaming children, and also is very, very, very expensive. But there was a Starbucks (product placement! Product placement!!!! I'm such a machiatto hoor) in the lobby. IN THE LOBBY!!!! And they stayed open late. Yeehaw.
When the kids got sick of the water, which I never thought would be possible, there was the MagiQuest game.  The first five  floors of the hotel were set up with this interactive computer game where the kids had to quest for special runes. Thus the name MAGIQUEST. You purchase a wand (fitted with an internal interface doohickey thing) with a hefty price tag for your child and can add fancy toppers -- my girl chose a blue winged dragon -- for an additional chunk of change.
I have to admit that I enjoyed this probably more than she did!  The sets were amazing. You checked in at a giant tree for your first quest, and a wizard with a striking resemblance to Dumbledore (shhhh, the lawyers are listening) gave you clues where to go. Maps, trunks, paintings, animals...it was actually tres awesome. Well, awesome if your room wasn't on the first five floors. Ha!
We were lodged up on floor eight. Thank you, awesome phone reservation agent! The kids ran screaming through the hotel until the wee hours of the morning...ding, ding, ding...fairy bells and shouts of glee...It was cute for the first day, but the throngs of feral little Lords of the Flies finally gotr to me towards the end.

The people watching was excellent. I'm sure I stood out like a sore thumb...a smoking monkey in a bathing suit??? Yeah, baby. But the hillbilly quotient was high.  Mullets galore. eek.
I admit I can be a bit snobby. However, OH MY GODDESS!!!! There were short mullets, and long mullets, gray mullets, and balding mullets...and now for the description of the men...DITTO!
One pet peeve was the amount of unsupervised wee tiny kids that were running about. There were lifeguards aplenty, but that shouldn't mean the parents can zone out. I saw two and three and five year olds alone in the wading pool while their parents were more than thirty yards away, backs turned, slugging back bud lights like there was no tomorrow. I guess that's the epitome of Darwinism right there.
The waterpark featured a wave pool with epic crests, a thousand gallon bucket that dumped every 5-8 minutes, a toddler area with warm water and awesome slides, three different pools for bigger kids, four mega slides that looked epic, and a bar for the adults! The place poured Guinness on Nitrogen!!!! Good times!
I even had fun in the pool!

Hmmm.  Now to the aforementioned incidents. Sigh.
I almost got in a fist fight with a mother of six (sportin' a mullet and Sarah Palin glasses and hair clips) over her attempt to cut in line for ice cream. Long and short of it, after a long day my daughter wanted some dipping dots. What a vile concoction, btw. Bleh. But I digress. It was a feeding frenzy at the sweets shop with a mob of people forming a blobby line towards the counter. I stood in this line for 45 minutes while the family was comfortable up in our room. Yes, yes I did. When I was three people away from the counter, the brood mare stepped in front of me. I politely (yes, I was polite) informed her that I was behind the gentleman. She snapped at me, "Well, I guess you are!"
heh. It was her tone, so snide and derisive. Perhaps she was having a bad day. Guess what. I'm not Ghandi. Or mother Theresa... I do have compassion for frazzled mothers; hell, I play one on TV. But I will not tolerate bitches in mullets acting all high fallutin' and nasty. Especially in front of her own children.
I'm sure there was steam rising from the top of my head. She said it again.
To which I replied, "Yes, I guess I am. Considering I've been standing behind him for some time now, in the line. So yes. Yes I am."
She sneered and said, "I am six and you are one, so I guess you can go ahead of me."
"Go ahead of you?" I asked. "Actually, I think I can stay right where I am, with you behind me...where you should be. Not my problem you decided to stand on the other side in limbo instead of here, behind me, in the actual line. So yeah. I'll go ahead and be right behind this guy."
It must have been the look in my eye, perhaps my clenched monkey paw itching to break free and wreak havoc (letting loose the flying monkeys of war...without actually crying havoc), but she lowered her head and stepped back. Grrr. It still makes me mad.

Okay...now for the really icky one.
I was in the kids' area of the water park...the wading pool...when I felt that tingly sensation on the back of my neck like I was being watched. Stalked. Hunted... Ugh. I swung around and saw a -- wait for it --

LITTLE PERSON

 

creeping towards me from the right. I gasped. He froze. I did not scream. Well, out loud. He was a hairy little fecker, too. Gah!

Why? Why does this happen to me?

I grabbed my littlest and ran for it. Straight up to the room. No amount of chlorine can rinse that shite off. ack. Little People scare the absolute BEJAYZUSS outta me. And they know it, too. I must be on some Little person hit list because I was not being paranoid...he was stealthy...creeping up from my blind side.

Yes, I am a bad person.

On the second day someone stole my daughter's wand. Ass hat! But the coolest guy -- AJ -- in the MagiQuest shop replaced her wand in its entirety...gratis.
So if you are reading this, AJ, YOU ROCK!!! Many thanks. I meant what I said about the free booze. It's on me. man.



Right, so holiday review : GREAT WOLF LODGE
Pros :
Awesome water park
cool stuff for kids
STARBUCKS in the lobby!
Super kid friendly

Cons :
Little Person in the pool (shudder)
Super kid friendly -- heh

This place was the best vacation for my kids! And therefore it was the best vacation for me and faboo hubby. Seeing my little monkeys laughing and playing with so much joy, melted me a bit.  Now if only all of those other people weren't there. Snerk.

So it's back to work for me. I've got stories to write, books to format...the good stuff!
I'll be posting a couple of pics from WEEKU, the graphic novel, to let you see how it's coming and whet your appetite for more. FANTASTIC!

Ta!
Foinah